(A note from the editor: We found this manuscript, written on what appears to be a feed bag, in the barn this morning. We have transcribed it to the best of our ability. The opinions expressed here are solely those of The Rider's Horse and do not necessarily reflect the views of Midnight Rider Coffee. Although, we have to admit, he makes some good points.)

Greetings, two-leggers.

It has come to my attention, through many hours of standing patiently and pretending not to listen, that you humans have a rather… intense relationship with a certain brown bean.

You call it coffee. I call it "the reason The Rider can't seem to find my saddle in the morning."

From my perspective in the barn, I have observed this ritual for years. The grinding. The boiling. The strange, happy sighs. And I have come to a few conclusions. As a horse of considerable intelligence and a refined palate (I can distinguish between six different types of hay, thank you very much), I feel it is my duty to share my findings.

The Four Coffees of the Apocalypse (According to a Horse)

I have categorized your human bean water into four distinct categories, based on The Rider's behavior after consumption.

1. The "Morning Frenzy" Bean (aka Dawn Patrol)

This is the one The Rider drinks when the sun is barely a rumor. It is a light, almost floral concoction that seems to have the same effect on him as a fresh bale of alfalfa has on me. He becomes… sprightly. He hums. He tries to put my bridle on upside down. It is, frankly, a little much.

Human Translation: This is your light roast. It's high in caffeine, bright, and acidic. Perfect for those of you who need to go from zero to sixty before the rest of the world has hit the snooze button. If you're searching for best high-caffeine coffee or light roast for energy, this is your jam.

2. The "Mid-Day Contemplation" Bean (aka The Midnight Blend)

This is the coffee that appears after lunch. It is darker, richer, and seems to make The Rider pensive. He will lean against my stall, sip from his mug, and stare off into the distance, presumably contemplating the great mysteries of the universe, such as "Why won't this horse let me put a tiny hat on him for a picture?"

Human Translation: Your classic medium roast. Balanced, smooth, and perfect for an afternoon pick-me-up that won't have you bouncing off the walls. The ideal choice for anyone searching for best all-day coffee or smooth medium roast.

3. The "Campfire Story" Bean (aka The Dark Ride)

This is the coffee of the night. It is dark, smoky, and smells of chocolate and adventure. The Rider drinks this one by the fire, usually after a long day on the road. It makes him tell the same three stories over and over again, each one getting slightly more exaggerated with every sip. I have, apparently, jumped over a canyon. Twice.

Human Translation: The bold, the beautiful, the dark roast. Low in acid, rich in flavor. If you're looking for best dark roast coffee or smoky coffee beans, you've found your soulmate.

4. The "Wait, Are You Even Trying?" Bean (aka The Surrender - Decaf)

I have seen The Rider drink this on occasion. It looks like coffee. It smells like coffee. But it has no discernible effect on his energy levels. He remains… calm. It is, to be frank, deeply suspicious.

Human Translation: Decaf. For those of you who love the taste of coffee but also enjoy the sensation of sleeping. Or for those of you who have already had three cups of Dawn Patrol and are starting to see sounds. No judgment.

A Final Whinny

So there you have it. A horse's-eye view of your strange and wonderful coffee obsession. Choose your bean wisely, two-leggers. Your horse is watching.

And for the love of all that is hay, learn how to put a bridle on correctly.

— The Rider's Horse
(Chief Observational Officer, Midnight Rider Coffee)